Apathy

As I began to read the appendices of Vanishing Conscience, the search for my next venture in literature commenced. Many titles have been suggested. Divine Design was first on the list. Then Humility crossed my mind. Great works such as Trusting God, Don't Waste Your Life, and Mere Christianity are also options.  These are all books I've either never read or started without finishing. Each is a great work based on truth found within Scripture, by authors whose words are trusted, tried, and true. But then I got inspired. This topic has been simmering in my mind and recent events have added a little more heat here and there, raising the temperature of my mind on the subject. Then today, I was in the midst of a "totally different" conversation, seemingly unrelated, when BAM! This topic rose to the surface and exploded all over my desk, dripping off the side onto the floor. No, I'm not talking about a shaken can of Pepsi. The subject is apathy.

Apathy is the death of the Christian.

I've used this phrase in a couple different contexts with believers from my church, feeling out how it is accepted or rejected. And guess what? I'd get a nod. Maybe a "yeah, you're right." But the responses to my statement on apathy were met with... well... apathy! Sure they agree. No one likes apathy in general. But they don't think. We are not a thinking culture. Do they realize the consequences of the apathy that is the foundation of so much of America? I don't believe folks my age, or kids younger than me, or even my parents' generation have come to grips with what is going on. Our brains have turned to mush. There is NO discernment. There is NO logic. There is no WISDOM!  Where does that put the church? If the individuals of the body do not understand the need for action, our APATHY will lead to our ATROPHY. Wake up. WAKE! UP! 

.... I apologize for the jumpiness of this post. I don't have the time to put all my thoughts out, nor do I have the desire to do so at this time. Why not? Because I have a plan. Which leads back to my book hunt.  I plan to reread Truth War, the book I based my High School thesis upon *ahem* years ago. I don't make a habit out of rereading literature, especially books. But I need to in this case. I'm on the search for information on truth vs error, apathy vs action, anything that will help me understand the Scriptural view of this laziness that has captured the hearts of believers and laid them down in a pasture when they're supposed to be RUNNING! I may update y'all from time to time, but I told my friend today, I need to write about this and share this with the people I love. It's not that I think they're all being lazy and need to hop to it. I am the queen of laziness. But I must start somewhere in my own personal battle against apathy, and here is the spot in which the Lord has placed me. My boyfriend (yes, I've been courting a few months) urged me to combine my love for writing, years under good teaching, and this Spirit-given, growing passion for truth within me, and to spread the Word to anyone who will hear it. I'm not a great writer, I'm not even a good one, but I love it, and I love Him. Maybe this is a way for me to learn. Maybe it's a way to encourage others. No matter the result, may God be glorified. Pray for me, those of you who know the Father, are born again, have a desire for His Word. And examine yourselves. Are you apathetic towards life? Are you indifferent toward the battle that rages around and among us? Are you geared for war or napping on the sidelines, hoping others will fight for you? Think about it.

See you in a few months, Lord willing.

Burden

Her tear stained eyes
He doesn’t know she’s crying
Her hurting heart
He just goes on laughing
Every day, he takes away a part of her
And every day, she dies a little more
 
He doesn’t see she desperately wants him to know
That his life is headed toward a twisted darker road
 
And now she’s angry, now she’s mad
He’s got the life she never had
Her burden, job, maturity
While he gets everything for free
But when will she understand
He’s never gonna be a man
 
She tried it once
He took her guard down easily
She tried again
He said "it’s right now; don’t you see?"
And every day, she edges back toward the door
But every time, he tries to take a little more
 
He doesn’t see she desperately wants to let go
Now after all she wants back on the higher road
 
And now she’s angry, now she’s mad
He’s got the life she never had
Her burden, job, maturity
While he gets everything for free
But when will she understand
He’s never gonna be a man
 
Her soul is aching for his change inside but
He just keeps on taking til her heart has died and
Now they are a broken memory from ages past
And nothing there could ever last, they could never last
 
He doesn’t see…
She’s desperately…
 
He doesn’t see her blood is pouring, body aching
She’s desperately clinging to the smile she’s faking
 
And now she’s broken, now she’s sad
He took the joy that she once had
Kindness, care, generosity
He took it and left her to bleed
Still she cannot understand
He’s never gonna be a man

-LRM

Roger

Behind my office door he lives
The gift of life to him I give
Every morning opportune
To kill him yet I do resist
There is a reason to exist

He lives behind my office door
So warm and quiet and poor
No other place has he to go
No safer place for him to roam
Do not wander walls or floor

Stay safe behind my office door
In wait, he lies
Recognize, my gentle eyes
No fear has he that I take his life
Some fear him, no, not I

So behind my door he lives
I cannot make a comfy stay
He may leave someday
My kindness will not keep him alive
Though it will not him of life deprive

So stay behind my door
As long as you wish
As long as you might
I’ll say bye every night
As I turn out the light
And leave you behind my office door.

Confession

I secretly...
... want to move back in with my parents.
... don't like studying business.
... want to marry a scientist or a pastor... or a pastor scientist!

I not so secretly...
... have been studying Russian.
... can't wait to go back home to West Virginia!

I proudly...
... fell in love with ultimate frisbee.
... will be attending the final Resolved conference this weekend!

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest :) 

Resolved has been one of the best experiences in my Christian life.  So much wisdom is poured down our throats, soothing our souls, filling our spirits, cleansing our minds, encouraging our hearts, and changing our passions.  This is The.Last.One. and I'm sad.  But God will continue to bless young adult Christians through other means, I'm sure. He always does His will and we can rest in that.  Sorry I'm random and short today, but that's kind of normal.  This post is totally off the cuff, unlike my normal ponder-for-hours-before-posting ordeal. I just wanted to encourage you to do one of two things:

A - Come to Resolved!  Day passes are available but coming for the whole weekend would be most beneficial.  You can register here.
B - If you can't come, livestream!  Here at work, it's fun to walk around the building during Resolved and Shepherd's conference because it's almost like surround sound; everyone has the livestream up and blasting!

See ya!

Dependence on God

A friend sent this to me a while back. It has been of great benefit and I thought I'd pass it on.

Acts 17:28 - For in Him we live and move and exist, as even some of your own poets have said, ‘For we also are His children.’
Romans 11:36 - For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen
Colossians 1:16 - For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities— all things have been created through Him and for Him.

Reality
Dependence on God is our actual state but not our natural perception.


Perceived?
Are you aware of your dependence on God?
No: Ignorant rebellion - Get educated!
Yes: continue...

Surrendered?
Do you yield your will to His and trust His plan?
No: Willful rebellion - Repent!
Yes: continue...

Outlook
What is your attitude toward this yielding?
Negative: Willful rebellion - Re-examine your surrender
Neutral: Negative outlook in disguise - Re-examine surrender
Positive: Correct Christian mindset - Continue to trust in God!

Jeepers

So many people have labeled my actions as 'creepy' the past few weeks. Now I'm really concerned. Do I scare away strangers? Is this why I'm single? Can I change? Is Facebook to blame or is it just the way I am?

Do you think I'm creepy?

In other news, I just bought two frisbees. One is regulation, the other is 10g heavier because it has LED lights in it for nighttime games!! I'm VERY excited. I've been playing ultimate frisbee for a few weeks now and have gotten multiple bruises, lacerations, and bent back fingernails. It's all fun and games til I get hurt, then it's WAR! Hahaha I do really enjoy the game. It's a great workout and fellowship with the folks of my Bible study. If you wanna join us, let me know and I'll tell you when and where!

Off to bed because of a big day tomorrow: church and Disneyland!

TGIH___

I am constantly reminded of all the little things in life that make me happy and I've been making a list. The first time I heard of a "thank you list" was in my Bible class with Mrs Duron in 9th grade (I think it was 9th grade...). It was November (of course) and she had us make lists of 20 things we could thank God for. We all had the general stuff: Family, Bible, salvation, life. But then we had to get creative. One of the first things on my list? A hairbrush. Because that's one thing I wouldn't want to live without and I think everyone I interact with would agree. So I continue to make Thank God I Have ___ lists, lose them, and recreate them. But in the past week, God has given me many reminders of all the little graces in my life that He bestows with kindness and I don't even realize it! I have not one, but TWO hairbrushes! I have a steady job! I have running water! And I have friends that put up with my weirdnesses. I encourage you to make your own list of things you're thankful for, pray in gratefulness, lose the list, and start over again. It's a lesson in dependence on God's sovereignty and being thankful children.
Here's some things from my current list, to help you get started:

Beards
Babies
Bow ties
Suspenders
The moon
Bridget's laugh
Overalls
Lilies

Tigers
Flannel shirts
Walks in Awesometown
Colorful fingernail polish

Friendship bracelets

The tears of a groom

Holding Hands with a child

Daddy hugs

Being prayed for on the spot

Bonnets

Braids

Awkward moments

Mike's weird face

Jesse points

Chocolate chip pancakes on my birthday

Green eyes

Macro photography

Skewered food
Jello

Kittens

Huskies

Russians

Facebook

Awareness

Lo, what sweet despair doth push my bounds!
What agony doth caress my soul!
For depth of wound doth purify
And pain internal doth awake

Prithee, do not forsake thy daughter

Nor turn upon thy tormented sister
Gentle scorn doth wonders produce
Harsh love hath refreshing power
 
Hark, the song of joy is upon mine ear
The hope of love abounds within
Dost scar remain? A cherished reminder
I am saved
I am free

Know Your Epistomology

Some friends and I had a discussion at midnight over fries and Dr Pepper at our favorite local burger establishment. The topic of discussion was primarily centered around this post that my friend wrote.  He’s a very deep thinker, that Jesse.  But all of that discussion got me thinking… How do our perceptions of reality differ from reality? Can we ever fully and correctly perceive reality?  And is reality what is true?  That last question is my most important one for this reason:  The world we know, what we can observe and make empirical deductions based upon, is fallen. It is broken. It is not what it was meant to be.  Does this mean it is less true?  Is a sinful creation necessarily false? 

I know I should leave this type of thinking to the philosophy majors.  I don’t know what I’m talking about.  But that’s ok.  It happens a lot.

Cabbage soup vs Chipotle

So I was eating lunch with some co-workers today.  It was fun and we discussed things like "what would aliens think of our government fighting internally between elephants and donkeys?"  But then someone said that blogs are a waste of time and people should read books instead.  I was offended by that.  My friend Mrs M is an avid blogger and I so enjoy her insights on love, loss, life, laughter, and alliteration. She has a great perspective that I wish I could emulate. She's always encouraged me toward godliness and intelligence.  She's also the reason I have written somewhat more frequently on this blog since this time last year.  Now, if my good friend Mrs M were to write a book, I would definitely read it.  But I hope that it would be filled with short stories about her life experiences, each with a golden nugget of wisdom or funny outcome.  Because that is how I think of Mrs M.  She's not a drawn out single purpose tale, but a collection of adventures that always delight...

...but what WOULD aliens think of our politics?

Disco

Hey! It's 2012? When did that happen? Oh yeah, I was at the apartment of a friend of a friend when it happened. And it was a weird night.

I think it was the first time I'd been to what the world would call a party but I was surrounded by Christians. There was music, dancing, and alcohol, but I didn't see anyone getting drunk and inappropriate. So it was fun.

It was the first time I played twister with adults! So fun though! I won two outta three games :)

And regrettably, 1/1/12 was the first time I was seriously hit on by a Christian guy. He totally knew I've been in a very serious relationship for the last two years. But he would not stop asking me to dance. It was super awkward. But God helped me be gracious toward a brother and I kept steering the convo back to church and ministry and salvation truths. Those are much more fun than dancing with a stranger.

I am resolved once again to lose ____ pounds this year. I purchased a gym membership back in September and have been going pretty consistently for about a month or so now. I'm only eating out when with others, not just when it's convenient. And when I do eat out, I'm trying to choose the healthier options on the menu :)

I am resolved to do laundry on a more regular basis.

I am resolved to learn as much Arabic as I can.

I am resolved to grow as a young woman in the way a godly young woman should grow. To continue developing relationships with wiser women. To read more regularly books and scriptures that are edifying and challenging. To pray for the good of others and follow up on those prayers to see how God has answered. To be more feminine and learn the ways women are most efficient at what they do.

I'm so excited!!!

Cheesecake

Prayer is an attitude, not an action.  For when communion with the spiritual Father becomes a chore and coming to the throne of the Almighty for forgiveness is just a check box on the list, then prayer is not prayer but a way of talking to yourself in third person.  Did not God create the universe with but a word?  Did not God plague the Egyptians? Did not God stop the earth's rotation? Did not God open the ground beneath men to swallow them alive for their rebellion?  Did not God raise the little girl from death?  Did not God pour His full fury upon His most precious Son, allowed His Son to be tortured and mocked, forsook His Son so that He could adopt you into His glory and into His presence for all eternity?  Do you spit in face to say, "I do not really want to talk to you.  But You said I must pray, it is on my list of things to do. I will mumble a few words of gratitude that are not real so that I may feel better about myself.." Christian! God has asked you into His family!  The King who has the power to heal and to kill, to create and to destroy, to bless and to damn, He has invited you with the blood of His Son to come and eat from His table and to enjoy company with Him.  Do you ignore Him when He has given to you that which is most cherished in His heart?!

Remember that God is. And because He is, we should run to Him in humble praise, begging forgiveness for our wrongs, asking for His strength because we have none ourselves, thanking Him for every breath, pleading for His favor on unbelievers we wish would not perish.  God is deserving of more than a two sentence prayer before a meal.  If you do not want to pray, do not pray out of duty, just sticking it out.  If you do not want to talk to God, then ask Him for an attitude which would change your desires.  This request must be accompanied with an actual desire to desire prayer and a course of action to initiate a change of heart.  God will help you if you recognize your inadequacy to change yourself.  If it's any comfort, every Christian, including this author, has struggled with prayer.  The command to pray without ceasing is a very tall order indeed.  Tall, but not impossible.

Boyfriend Challenge

A need
A wink
A clean spare
A pair
A bloom
A glochid
Prickled love abounds

In loving honor of Mrs M of White Wave fame. No poet am I but your inspiration pushes me to attempt.

Carpool

- I have just completed one of the busiest weeks of my 'away from the nest' life. High school reunion (which I feel too young for), bible study, small group events, birthdays, I don't even remember what I did Tuesday night (just checked the calendar, I was babysitting 5pm-12am). Life can get very crazy and unpredictable. But I actually knew I was going to be doing all this stuff before last week started. Still felt unexpected.
- And now, after a very long 192 hours, I’m feeling the effects of my nonstop activity. I’m tired after 10 hours of sleep, feel very warm, and have a sore throat. I don’t know if that’s from talking with friends for 14 hours on Saturday or if I’m actually coming down with something.
- Nonetheless, I am still looking forward to seeing my good friend Mrs M tonight… and getting a very long night’s rest after that. Though we live less than a block apart, I will be driving to her house. I don’t trust myself to walk or bike even that short a distance.

Ok, enough complaining!

- Actually, I am very thankful for the past week. Being able to spend time with my small group girls on Wednesday was such a precious time. We studied the love of God in our lives and He is the greatest gift of love ever given. I mean, He killed his own Son in a tortuous fashion, the full weight of His wrath upon the Beloved’s shoulders. That is love in purest form.  I can't wait to study His truth, goodness, sovereignty, mercy, and grace with these girls!
- I went to my favorite restaurant 4 times (^_^)
- High school reunion on Saturday was interesting. Had the opportunity to ‘make up’ with a friend I had had a falling out with about a year ago. An enormous pressure was lifted. We were able to just be friends again, no drama, no hard feelings. That’s the Lord’s grace right there. We each owned up to the fault that was ours and forgave each other and now we can be friends again! Yay!
- Babysitting again reminded me of just how fun little children can be… and how much I want one of my own! That will come in due time. I must be patient, but in the mean time, I can enjoy other people’s kids! Hahaha!
- I met a strange guy at a dinner for my small group leader who just turned *cough cough* last week. He was really funny but called a mutual friend his ‘slave’ and was just a little… odd. But we could be good friends because I’m a little… odd myself.
- The Lord has allowed me to continue my feeble life trying to somehow bring Him glory while stumbling through a sin-laden world. I pray He will give me more weeks to learn about His sovereignty and mercy… but I learn better with more sleep *hint, hint*

Cardboard

I love to organize.  Books.  Papers.  Socks.  Canned food.  It's very fun to know exactly where everything is AND have it look nice.  I usually know where everything is when it is heaped on the floor or stowed in a box under the bed, but that's not a fulfilling knowledge.  It's a knowledge, not only of location, but of need for action.  Yes, I know there are two towels in my laundry basket, nicely folded under a heap of clean laundry that needs folded or put on hangers.  But I ALSO know that I should have put them away two months ago when I first folded them.  And that I should fold and hang the laundry that's on top of them.  But I am too busy, and when I'm not too busy, I'm lazy, or working on other organizing projects.  I love the end result of putting things where they go, but the journey to get there, the lists and planning and rearranging, it's daunting.  Needless to say, next weekend, I'm hoping to get in three solid hours of work.  Starting with the laundry basket. 

Resolved

My roommate at the conference is a 2 month old believer. She and I had the opportunity to hang out for 2 hours on Sunday morning before the session.  Over breakfast and coffee, she told me about some situations she was going through involving persecution and dealing with immorality in the workplace (artistry).  I was able to share with her some of my few experiences and pointed her to a few resources.  Then, the sovereign grace of the Almighty God, who loves her and knows every intimate detail in her life, allowed CJ Mahaney and Steve Lawson to share aspects of Himself to her.  He accomplished through those two men that which I feebly attempted while sipping on a frappuccino.  Assurance of her salvation, assurance of God’s omnipotence and omniscience, assurance of the power of the work that Christ accomplished on the cross.  She so needed these words that the Lord allowed her to hear.  I think I needed them too for we were both in tears by the end of each session, in awe of the mighty hand of God at work in the lives of two wretched sinners. *le conference audio

h2o

Yesterday was characterized by water:
shower with water, take pills with water, drive through water falling from the sky, drink water with lunch, learned that water gets into log rides, shoes filled with water, jeans easily retain water, cotton does not easily relinquish water, water used in special effects during shows, rides are based upon characters living in large bodies of water... with the prevalence of water in our lives, is it any wonder that Christ calls himself Living Water?  Water is essential. It is everywhere.  Without it, nothing would survive.  Christians, likewise, cannot live without the living water of Christ filling our minds constantly.  Have you read your Bible today?

oohhh shiny!

Do you ever get so uber excited that your muscles involuntarily tense and you giggle like a 6 year old girl?  I wouldn't know what that's like, of course, but I must say I am quite excited to be hanging out with my small group this Saturday, then picking up a bunk bed for a new roommate, then going to Disneyland with some of my old Bible study peeps after church on Sunday... Booyahhhhh I am so excited!!!

Also, I am in love with my new ninja blender. He is silver and black and makes 2 smoothies for me every other day so I can have a healthy breakfast with lots of fruits and some milk.  He is quite a nice blender.  Especially for being dishwasher-safe.  Maybe next week, he will make me some fresh salsa!

For the record, I despise all seafood.  except tuna - but only when doused in mayo and relish to kill the taste.

God is

Not "God is awesome." Not "God is perfect."  Not even "God is holy."  Just "God is."

He is awesome and perfect and holy. but He is more. He is everything and beyond.  Words cannot describe Him and the utter completeness of God can never be captured.  No man can comprehend all that the phrase "God is" can mean.  It's too high, too complex.  God is all, but He is not contained by all.

My brain has imploded from lack of ability to intake those two words.

And yet, my heart is glad because of it.  God is. God is!  GOD IS!!! That's so amazing! I'm still geeking out about it, after all these years I've known Him.
The Lord has control; I need not worry.
He made me; I can be content.
He has promised me heaven; I have hope.
He will never sin; I have confidence.
He cares for the broken; I have joy.

Eternity will bring so much more of His character and beauty to light that I cannot wait to join His kingdom and get to know Him so infinitely more and yet never fully understand and always be learning about Him and enjoying Him and though perfect, still yearning for more of Him and not the frivolities of earth... O for that day when my journey has ended!!!

Chaotic Awareness

I’ve been dubbed a scaredy cat many times. But for me, the term has taken on new dimensions. I am not just scared. Afraid. Jumpy. Nervous. I am terrified. Mortified. Shocked. I scream out of sheer terror when my father opens the door from the other side.  I shout from shock when my 44 year old “big brother” friend jumps out at me from around the corner.  When the lighting guy drops 36lbs of cables from the roof to the floor of my workspace.  When my best friend pokes me, just once, in the middle of my back, like only she can do. Chaotic awareness has been my downfall. I will die of a stress-induced myocardial infarction before I am 40. And if I don’t, then I shall become the “crazy old (scaredy) cat lady” of your neighborhood.